Drunkmitri
by Kitsuhime
Summary: After Rose and Dimitri's marriage, Dimitri has a little too much vodka. READ AND REVIEW! Rated T because I'm not sure. Was originally a one-shot, decided to continue it. I update every 20 reviews. So review. :D
1. Ho titties vodkeeey?

((NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME! They belong to Richelle Mead.))

"Ah, Roza! Mizzez Belikoooooffffff!" Dimitri called across the room, shot glass in his hand. I had just exited the bathroom after composing myself, and he was already trying to break said composure.

As is the Russian tradition, my new husband had celebrated our wedding with several shots of vodka. He hadn't wanted to originally, but after persistent requests from his family, he caved.

Unfortunately for me, unlike most Russians, he couldn't hold his vodka very well.

My six-foot god had turned into a drunken ballerina, demanding the DJ put on more Tchaikovsky so that he could twirl around and fall into the punch bowl again.

Most people were getting a hoot out of this, but I couldn't stand to see my image of perfection being shattered before my eyes.

Well, at least he was a happy drunk.

"Er…Hi, Dimitri." I gave a short little wave.

He called something out in extremely slurred Russian, and it took him a few seconds to understand that I didn't understand him at all. "Poultry crashes sexually fried feetsu SODA!" It sounded very similar to what he had said in Russian, only with English words.

"He's trying to say, 'Get your sexy ass over here'," Viktoria whispered in my ear.

"He's failing horribly at it." I groaned and face palmed myself.

Viktoria giggled. "Heh. Reminds me when he was a small boy, trying to learn English."

"Well, I better get over there before he says something else embarrassing." I started to walk to him.

Then he yelled something in Russian and everyone Russian burst out laughing. I whirled around and raised an eyebrow to Viktoria, who was trying not to laugh. "He…he told you-HAHAHAHA…to suck his…HAHAHAHA…oh my God…" She didn't finish, but I got what the next word was going to be.

I lied, not every Russian was laughing. Yeva was beating on him with our wedding gift and swearing at him in Russian.

I made my way over there, trying not to look embarrassed. When I got within non-yelling distance, Yeva turned to me and sighed. "A Russian that can't hold his vodka! I think I should've tested him instead of you."

Dimitri was giving me a dopey grin. "Ho titties vodkeeey?"

Olena, now past the laughter and onto embarrassment, rushed past me. "Oh my boy, my poor little boy…" She began to drag Dimitri out, but he stayed where he was.

"Mama! You never let me do anything FUUUUUN!" He started to cry. I was impressed he managed to speak fluent English.

"Oh Dimka…" Olena put her face in her hands.

Yeva smacked him again. "Grown men don't cry!"

He looked at me with a childish pout on his lips. "Roooozaaaaahhh!" He then said something in Russian I couldn't comprehend.

"Rose isn't on your side, either."

Dimitri stomped his foot and began to cry harder. But then, for some reason, a western-style song came on. Dumbass DJ. Dimitri's eyes lit up and he knocked me to the ground, riding me like a horse. Except it looked like he was dry humping me, what with his hands on my shoulders and the thrust-like motions and all."Wheeeee! I'MA COWBOY! Giddyup, ROZAAAA!"

I tried pushing him off, but even drunk, he was strong. Or maybe stronger than usual, I don't know how drunkness works with Russians.

It took my mother, Abe, and two guardians to get him off. He started crying. Again.

Lissa hadn't been able to make it through the crowd as easily as I could, but finally she broke through to save the day.

This cheered him up, it even made him stop struggling against the two guardians holding him upright. "LISSAAAA!" He said something in extremely slurred Russian, which made Yeva smack him again.

"You have a wife, you idiot!"

He spoke more Russian. I recognized the word for "three" in there. This caused Yeva to stop with the present-beating and giving him a kick square in between his legs.

"Maybe if it hurts enough you'll stop thinking with it!"

Lissa was twitching, horrified. I had managed to get myself up and was now beside Lissa, trying to do…something.

"Lissa! I'm so so sorry…"

She was speechless. "Rose, whatever you do, don't ever get him drunk again. Ever."

"Yeah, I kn-"

"EVER!"

I waited for her to stop looking like a psychopath to speak again. "Can you, um, do something about him?"

"No, unfortunately. It's more of a bodily than spiritual thing. He'll have to stay the six-foot-seven cowboy ballerina until he passes out."

Dimitri had managed to break free and had taken all of his clothes off. "ROOOZAAA! LIIIISSSAAAA!" He started dancing around without a stitch of clothing on him. I turned away.

"I'm going to be traumatized for life for seeing that," Lissa managed to croak out.

"Hey, at least he's hot."

Adrian managed to join the party, some sort of fancy drink in his hand. "I bet you wish you had picked me now, Rose! I can handle my booze!" He laughed and ran off.

In the meantime, Yeva and Olena had been trying to get his clothes back on…to no avail. He was now streaking through the party screaming, "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME! I'M THE GREAT COWBOY DIMITRI! YAAAAAAAY!"

"Is he gone now?" Lissa asked, eyes still shut in the case Dimitri ran that way.

I groaned. "Yes. He's off traumatizing others now."

"I feel so sorry for you, Rose."

"Yeah. This is going to be a long night."

((I had a lot of fun writing this. I hope you had a lot of fun reading this. :D))


	2. Payback is a Sparkly Tutu

((So I'm going to continue this. Shower me with praise! :D))

Lissa and I stood next to each other outside of Dimitri and me's room. Our voices were barely audible as we went over the final details of the plan, making sure everything was understood between us.

"Got it?" I asked, being the mastermind behind the plan.

"Got it," she repeated.

"Let's go." I took on an evil grin, and we smashed open the door.

CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG

We were wearing thick boots that made loud clonking noises and held pots in both hands, clashing them together to produce a symphony of loud noise.

"GOOOOOOOD MORNING GUARDIAN BELIKOV!" Lissa screamed.

"HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS MORNING, SWEETIE? I HOPE THE HANGOVER ISN'T TOO BAD!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

He awoke with a start, holding his head and thrashing around only to fall on the ground with a loud 'THUNK'.

"Roza…," he whined. "My _head_…urgh…I don't remember the couch being over here…"

"I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THE REDECORATION OF OUR ROOM, _DIMKA! _I FELT IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE!" The pot crashing, Irish dancing concert was still going loud and strong, and it was taking its toll on poor Dimka.

Revenge.

Sweet, sweet revenge.

"SO HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE THREESOME LAST NIGHT, DIMKA? I know _IIIIIIIIII DIIIIIIIIID~~!_" Dimka was trying to make sense of all this. "Thu…threesome? We had a…WHAT?"

"YEAH DIMITRI, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?" I chimed in. "WE THINK YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN HER PREGNANT!"

"_Pregnant?_" He began to freak out. "Did…did Christian know about this? And could you _please _stop it with the pot-crashing? I have a horrible headache."

"NOPE~!" Lissa was still singing. "TO BOTH YOUR REQUEST _AND _THE QUESTION! HE HAS NO IDEA!"

Just then, fireboy burst through the door. "Dimka? Oh DIIIIIIMKAAA! I need to have a word with you, if you're up!"

Dimitri slowly stood up, not noticing what he was wearing. We snickered. "Urgh…yes?"

Christian motioned towards the door. "In _private_?"

"Oh. Yes. Um. Of course." Dimitri managed to get out the door, but not before I crashed two pots together HARD right behind his ears as he exited.

We listened to the door to hear the conversation.

"Dimitri…I'm so sorry about last night…but I want to do it again. Don't you?"

We heard the shocked hesitation in his voice. "What…what did we do? What did _I _do?"

"You just gave me the best time of my life, Dimka! Your kisses are my drug…I'll never go back to Lissa! Never!" This was the part where he leaned in to give Dimitri a kiss.

"L-Lord Ozera! I…no…this can't…I…WHY AM I WEARING A BALLERINA TUTU AND COWBOY BOOTS?"

"I think you look _very _attractive in that outfit, my cowboy ballerina. Now come here…"

We heard a scream and fast footsteps as he tried to run away, but we had known this was going to happen. He tripped over a strategically placed couch in the hallway and into our trap, which when triggered would capture him in a net and blare air horns and vuvuzelas.

Christian glared at us as we exited the room to enjoy the sight of our beautifully-executed prank. "I'm never doing that again. I only agreed to it because he flashed Lissa."

"We know, we know," I giggled alongside my best friend.

I walked up to my poor husband with a glass of water in my hand. "You need this, sweetie?" I looked and sounded sympathetic.

"Yes, Roza…and could you please make the noise stop?" He reached out through the net for the water.

I dumped it on his head.

"ROZAAAA!" He snarled, clawing at air as I threw the glass at a wall to add to the noise.

"You're cleaning that up later."

"Why are you doing this to me, _lyubov_? Tell me…"

I snickered. "Because you ruined our wedding."

"I did?" He rubbed his head. "I don't remember…"

I gave him a hard look. "With all the vodka you chugged, I don't expect you to."

"Vod…ka?" His eyes went wide. "Oh no. Oh no…I'm so sorry…Roza…" Dimka looked like he was about to cry.

Lissa piped up. "Yes, well sorry won't erase my memories of you being naked."

"I WAS NAKED?" He yelled suddenly, then rubbed his head and sighed. "I was…naked?"

He fell to the ground, cut free by none other than Yeva Belikova. He made a girlish squeak when he hit the floor. Before he could manage to stand, he had his back crushed by a heel.

"_Vnuk_, I am ashamed to call you such." She made a tsking noise thrice.

"…_Babushka_? Is that you? …Why are you here?" He was very confused. To aid in his mental processes, we stopped the noise. Temporarily.

"I am here to help Roza in her attempt to restore her pride after last night." She crushed the heel harder. "Dimka, you did some very naughty things last night."

"Did I really have a threesome with Lissa and Roza last night?" He inquired.

"No, but you expressed the desire to," Yeva chided.

"And you didn't kiss me either, Belikov. So don't take me up on the offer. It wasn't real." Christian stuck his tongue out and made a weird face.

"Thank God," he mumbled, then raised his voice. "I'm sorry for what happened last night. I can't change it. So can we please stop the torment?"

I blared a vuvuzela in his face.

"Oh Dimka…," I began, tsking as Yeva had done.

"The revenge has only just begun," Lissa and I spoke in unison, psychotic smiles upon our faces.

French voice from Spongebob: "Several, hours, later."

Dimitri stood in front of an audience wearing cowboy boots, a sparkly ballerina's dress, and a princess crown with bunny ears attached. He cleared his throat and picked up the microphone.

"I haf biin enstrukted to speek vith a hefy Roosian aksent tonight," Dimitri began in a heavy Russian accent, and now that you get the point I'm just going to put what he says in plain English. "Unless singing, I will use this accent in order to repay my beautiful loving wife, Roza Belikova, for embarrassing her during our wedding last night." He groaned. "And now, I shall sing my first song. Barbie Girl, by Aqua."

With his hair long and curly as it was, he very much resembled a female. The only thing that gave it away was the low timbre of his voice. And as I entered, with my hair and outfit, I much resembled a male. Gender bending for the win!

I sang all of the male parts, making my voice humorously low. He tried to make his very high, but failed horribly.

After that I left the stage (until Best Friend), and he sang Every Time We Touch by Cascada, Teenage Dream by Katy Perry, LoveGame by Lady Gaga, and Best Friend by Toy Box.

Please, take a few minutes to imagine Dimitri singing each of those. He was forced to put emotion into it, so it wasn't done flatly. He actually tried to do the girly voice for my sake.

And for the grand finale, he would sing and dance to Korobeiniki, a traditional Russian song. There aren't too many stereotypical girly Russian songs, so I guess Dimitri dancing in a ballerina outfit to the Tetris theme would have to do.

And the crowd goes wild! Everyone seemed to be laughing and clapping when the curtains went down. As it should be.

French guy again: "Later, that, night."

I was resting in bed with my sweet wife. Well, maybe not sweet. Today she had subjected me to a torture without physical pain. Yes, I admit I probably did some regrettable things last night, and dancing to Korobeiniki (my favorite song as a child, though I would never let my sweet Roza know that) was quite fun…

But my pride had been destroyed. I was no longer the 'badass god' of guardians.

This would have to be rectified. Immediately.

I stroked my lover's hair and softly gazed upon her beautiful body, peaceful and innocent in sleep. Roza's body was bare, as I had given her sweet release without getting any of my own.

I allowed myself a soft chuckle, in my mind sounding a roar of maniacal laughter. A plan was coming forth in my mind.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I would get my revenge one day soon.

"Sleep well, Roza. You'll need it when the day comes," I whispered, then closed my eyes and lost myself to sleep…


	3. The Fourth Wall Exploded

Well the cowboy ballerina's plan for Roza Domination wasn't going to happen today _or _tomorrow, because right now, they were having their honeymoon.

I _could _write this chapter about the couple getting it on, but if you want that go read my other story. Chapter 5, I believe. Or maybe 6. Just to be sure, read the entire thing. :D

So, while I wait for the Belikovs to come back to Court, I'm going to tell you the story of how Dimitri almost got Rose to turn into a Strigoi. This was actually my original idea for chapter 2, but I decided against it. And now I'm decided for it.

* * *

It was a bright and beautiful day, filled with unicorns and rainbows and sugarplum fairies…

Wait, no, that's not right.

It was a dark and stormy night outside Galina's estate, and because of this the Strigoi would not hunt tonight. Or maybe it was because of the large group of unpromised guardians that were venturing close, I dunno.

Anyways, all of the undead and their minions were staying in for the night, including Dimitri and I. He told me that because of the circumstances, the Strigoi would be having a meeting to pass the time, and that tonight would be the night I decided to awaken for him.

At the time, I was a Dimitri-bite-junkie, so I just nodded my head and went. "Mmmk, sweetie."

So he carried me to a room I hadn't been in before and sat me down at a table.

This wasn't really a meeting. There was a stage, but there were round tables with glowy lights, and everything was in the style that you would find at a nightclub.

The curtains flew away from the stage, and Galina made her grand appearance. She blabbed some Russian before calling out a name, and the Strigoi with that name rushed up there and took the mic.

That's when I noticed the machine behind him. It looked strangely familiar…

He began to sing a Russian song completely out of tune with the words being displayed on a readout from the back.I figured out what this was.

Strigoi karaoke night.

Except apparently in Strigoi karaoke night, if the audience complains about your singing enough, you get some form of torture. Or at least that's what Dimitri told me as the guy in the sparkly suit came up to the stage.

He started speaking more Russian, and that's when I finally got pissed, pulled out my universal remote, and hit Languages.

First, he began speaking French. The audience laughed, Dimitri gave me a stern look. I switched him over to Spanish and he sounded like one of those car dealer infomercials. Finally, we got to English, just as he and the rest of the crowd shouted out:

"WHEEL! OF! TOOOOORRRRTUUUUUURRRREEEE!"

"Thaaaat's right ladies and cruelmen, tonight we have another round of Wheel of Torture, the game where if you suck at karaoke, you get to spin a wheel choosing your form of deeeeaaaaath!" Everyone clapped. Including me. I wished we had this game back at Court.

"Go on up and choooooose your torment, Mr. Tarasov! Spin that wheel nice and hard!"

The Strigoi tried not to whimper as he spun the wheel. When it finally stopped, the wheel landed on "Mystery Door Number One".

"Weellllll Mr. Tarasov, it looks like your death is behind door number one! Go on and open the door, and thank you for playing Wheel of Tormeeeeeent! Our next karaoke contestant iiiiiiiis…Mr. Belikov!"

Dimitri winked at me and approached the stage. He cleared his throat up against the mic, just as screams and body parts went through the air. Apparently what was behind door number one was chainsaws.

Dimitri sang "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars after noting the song was dedicated to awakening me.

It would've been pretty damn good if not for the screams and body parts and such. Dimitri had an amazing singing voice. At the end, the entire audience went "AWWWWW!" and he sat back down.

That's when the really good part happened.

When he sat down, the Strigoi-

* * *

Dimitri walked out of my laptop screen and began to lose his temper at me. "NO! YOU WILL NOT TELL THE NEXT PART OF THIS STORY!"

I whined. "Whaaaat? It's funny! I'm a comedic writer!"

He glared. "No."

I pouted and crossed my arms, then it hit me. "Wait. What the heck are you doing outside my computer screen?"

Dimitri smirked. "Getting you to stop telling the story."

Rose decided to pop out too and tackled Dimka to the ground. "QUICK! TYPE IT! TYPE IT QUICKLY! BEFORE HE GETS UP!"

He got up within a few seconds, so I didn't really have any time to type up what happened next. The laptop was snatched out of my hands, and that's where he started to tell the story.

* * *

A Strigoi stood and looked me right in the eye. "Hey pardner, I don't like the way you just sang that there song 'bout yer girlie. Yew know what women are for - breedin' n' cookin', not lovin'."

That's when I rose to the challenge, hand brushing over the pistol in my holster. "I beg to differ."

"Alrighty then. I see how this is gonna be. Draw!"

("Roza, what are you-GIVE THAT LAPTOP BACK TO ME!" Dimitri cried.)

My sexy god went for Spock, and the other idiot went for scissors. So Dimitri won, obviously. Haven't you ever played Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

No, that's not what really happened.

The Strigoi stood and looked Dimitri right in the eye, but his dialogue was much different. "Hey…You mind…uh…," he gulped nervously. "Coming over to my table? You're a really sweet guy…"

Dimitri rose and arched an eyebrow. "I'm taken, you pathetic piece of _govno!_" Hey, looks like I'd be learning Russian after all.

However, the Strigoi was right in front of Dimitri in a second. "But you don't understand…"

("Hey, c'mon! No fair!" Rose whined.

"All is fair in love and slander, _lyubov_.")

We drew our weapons. He had a rather large and intimidating rifle, I a pistol of the best caliber.

("MORE LIKE PENIS!" Rose shouted.

"Quiet, Roza! You know very well that a pistol isn't even close to the size of my-HEY! GIVE THAT BACK!")

The Strigoi took out his 'rifle' and showed it to my love. "I want you, Dimka. I want you more than anyone else in the world. I want you to have me…and this…"

("No! _No! NO! ROZA STOP THIS NOW!_"

"No can do, comrade." Rose was giggling.

"Ah, a lover's quarrel. So much fun to watch," I proclaimed smugly.

Dimitri glared at me. "Quiet, you!")

My Dimka merely pushed him away and scoffed. "You can take that pathetic excuse for a _khuy _and shove it up someone else's _zhopu_. But not mine."

The Strigoi grinned. "Who said it was your choice?"

He pushed Dimitri to the ground, and I was too weak to do anything to stop him.

Dimitri screamed like a little girl.

Very. Very. Loudly.

My god was a girl in the first grade.

The Strigoi backed off and began to laugh. "Ahahaha! I knew you weren't so tough after all, _Belikov!_"

Dimitri glared and began to stand. "You are the one making homosexual allegations, Pytor."

* * *

I was unimpressed. "That's it? He screamed like a little girl?"

Rose was laughing her butt off. "Uh, yeah! How is that _not _hilarious?"

"Well, I was expecting something a little more…I dunno…" I shrugged, trying to come up with the words I needed.

"You're no fun." Rose pouted.

"Well, at least someone doesn't find it as funny as you do, Roza." Dimitri was restraining a smug grin of pride...by making it a smirk.

"In that case I find it hilarious." I grinned brightly, hoping to piss Dimitri off.

He swore in Russian. Rose threw a pie in his face.

"ROOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

((I'm sorry this chapter sucks. ;-; I'll do better next time, I swear!))


	4. Notice

I would like to apologize greatly for my seemingly dropping off the face of the earth for the past few months. I have been INSANELY busy with my high school, college, and honor band work and I needed A LOT of time off. This is a general message I'm posting on every story I have, so just scroll down to whatever story this is and read.

The Daedric Experimentation

You guys have no idea how much I want to continue this. And I am going to continue it, so don't worry. However, it's been MONTHS since I've played Oblivion, and I want this to be as factual with Oblivion as it can be. There's also the problem of Amy and Priya who just sorta showed up out of nowhere after I wrote the first chapter. I think adding them in would unnecessarily bloat the story, but it doesn't make sense as to why they wouldn't be there. Drop me a message about your opinion on this.

My Own Worst Enemy

This story is getting the ending and possibly the rest of the story completely reworked. I don't like the ending, and when writing it, I really didn't like writing it either. But I was getting so overworked and overwhelmed that I needed to just STOP it somewhere and not leave you guys hanging. When I get some more free time, expect to see some chapters reworked.

Drunkmitri

Dude I am totally out of ideas on this. I want to write a new chapter, but I don't have any good jokes in mind, and I don't want to make a crappy unfunny next chapter. So I'll tell you what. I'm going to be lazy and ask you guys for YOUR IDEAS! But you have to send it to me in a private message, cuz we don't have to spoil the fun for everyone else, y'know! :D

MY OWN WORST ENEMY AND DRUNKMITRI PEOPLE PLEASE READ

Search "David Tennant" in an internet image search engine, and message me telling me if you'd think he'd make a good Dimka. Honestly I think he would. He's 6'1", can do any accent in the world, and my god is he SEXY. They could probably make him look younger with the right lighting and makeup. Unfortunately he will prolly never be cast as that, but it's fun to share yummy Teninch with the world.


End file.
